Tell Him What He's Won!
Tell him what he's won!
Announcer 1: Welcome to Ft. Lauderdale International Airport, and this edition of Who's the Terrorist! starring the US Army, Civilian and Federal employees, and of course, your host, Random Computer! (applause)
Announcer 2: Today's contestant is a mother of two unhappy children in a double stroller, let's give up the silent treatment to Pamela! Our security camera spys Pamela entering the door with her two kids after a state-trooper observed curb-side check-in. Her husband Howard has gone to return the rental car, and will not play this round. Little does he know that he'll be needed for the bonus round later!
Let's watch as Random Computer picks Pamela for a suitcase search. Oh, it's a doosy. Pam has to move the 2 kids, the stroller and 4 pieces of luggage from the line she's on to the inspection line. Watch as the guard gives her the "I'm sorry, Ma'am but that's the rules look!" And what a look he gets back! But wait, a helpful skycap steps in, and keeps the family from fouling out.
Looks like Random Computer wants the suitcase with the dirty laundry. Too bad for the searchers, who don't get to mess up the already-messy clothes...Pheew. I think someone was sweating! It's taking a long time...Wait, I think...let's get a closeup...yes, the baby is crying! End of round one, and it's aiport:1, Greenstein family:0.
Announcer voice again: Oh, Howard has returned from the Rental Car agency that he'll never deal with again, and is there to help Pam and the kids through security. The object of this round is to get 2 children, a car seat, a stroller, and several carry-ons through the security checkpoint in one try. Each beep or bag sent back adds to the big frustration meter on the side of the stage. Let's watch as...oh, no! The security guard has pulled the stroller through the pass-through gate before Pam took out the diaper bag. That's a big penalty! The guard looks pretty angry. Pam pleads that she hadn't finished unloading, and the penalty points start racking up.
Announcer 2: There's a pretty big line forming behind them, and Howard hasn't even gotten scanned yet.
Announcer 1: Let's see if he remembers the laptop in his backpack....Oh, no! Not only did they send the pack back, but Howard has been sent to the guy with the wand. He's beeping all over. Looks like those wet-naps from KFC are foil-lined. What a doosy! And for extra frustration points, they want to send his wallet through X-Ray.
Announcer 2: We've gone into double overtime as the wallet is in the machine when a shift-change is announced. So, the situation is: Howard's family is past the checkpoint, but Howard's laptop and wallet are in the X-ray chamber as the shift changes. The guards take a time out to talk about the weather and lunch, and it looks like a five-minute penalty for Howard and the people on line behind him.
Announcer 1: Good thing they left themselves plenty of time to get to the plane because this could take all day. Well, Howard is finally cleared to go past the two guys in the fatigues with the semi-autos, and it's off to the gate. Let's see if he figures out what's waiting for him there...Oh, yes! Continental has put three members of the family in the same row, but put little Harris in a different row.
Announcer 2: I think that's an illegal move. I don't care what airline you are, you can't put a 1-year-old in a different row...Let's see how they handle it.
Well, Continental blows it, as they can't get 4 across. The parents will just have to split shifts with the kids. So far, it's airport 12, Greensteins nothing!
Announcer 1: And now for the final insult - the friendly check-in guy tells Howard that the family can't go on the plane yet- they've been singled out for Another Random Search Before Boarding! Looks like once your silver Elite pass expires, all bets are off!
Announcer 2: You can say that again! I think Howard's head is going to explode! He wants to be a patriot, and yet he wants to get on the damn plane. Time for a deep clensing breath and onto the plane.
Announcer 1: Let's not tell them the baby will cry the whole flight and fall asleep 18 minutes before Newark, ok?
Announcer 2: Ok! And that wraps up another edition of Who's The Terrorist! Tune in next time as Howard's friend who sings in church on Sundays and works for a startup gets strip searched because he has a beard. B-bye everyone!
© Copyright 2002 Howard Greenstein.
Last update: 3/30/2002; 11:04:26 PM.